27 Feb 07 the dimpled rind of remorselessness.

Having some long, fun and emotional talks with my stepfather, brother and sister was very cathartic this evening. I'm not one to get into these overly dramatic, minutiae of my life sort of posts, but I'm going to stray and do it anyway. Considering the long streak of fleeting highs and mind-numbing lows I've had lately, talking with the family felt rather wonderful and took me away from all of that for a while.

Still, things are weird.

I'm troubled lately at how sequestered I feel from people these days. I've always been an outsider but recently, even in group settings I feel alien. It sounds juvenile, but I really need something that I am not getting from the people close to me. I need something else, some less verbal and more tactile. No I don't mean sex, there's more to human contact than just sex.

There is a paradox though in that I hate the preliminaries. There are several women close by that I could ask out and get to know, but I am severely reluctant to do so. For some reason I hate all of the “get to know you” shit that goes along with dating and being single. I'm so tired of telling the same stories and seeing the same reactions. Granted, I love learning about people and getting know people, wait, check that. I like knowing people, but I hate the process that gets me there. The first date shit just makes me puke at my age. Which is bad.

I just want to skip past all of that and be engaged with (not to) someone. I want to introduce people to my wife/girlfriend and make them nauseous with how much we melt over each other. I want to be someone's queso. I want to stop eying people in relationships with such a cynical eye. I want to stop being jealous of the people that have what I don't.

I want to be your huckleberry.

I may be thin and less than athletic, but my heart is immense and has no bounds, but you've got to earn it. I want to be what makes you wake up in the morning, I want to see you in the morning. I want to see you in the evening. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Peace to you and yours.

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